It Hurts (Until It Stops)
by A Whisper Of Grace
Summary: Emma, Ruby and Killian had always been inseparable, but Emma has resented Killian since he broke Ruby's heart a few months ago and walked away from both of them. It's not until she thinks that Killian and Ruby are getting back together that she let's herself admit why it hurt so much when he left. Modern AU.
**It Hurts (Until It Stops)**

There were a few things that made Emma Swan feel truly, utterly happy. Puppies, onion rings, cinnamon on her hot chocolate. And the way that Ruby's face completely lit up when she smiled.

And Ruby had been smiling an awful lot lately. Emma knew that life had been treating her well for the past few weeks, in no small part because of the new manager at the bar where she worked and the ease with which their meetings had turned into dates. Ruby hadn't been able to stop talking about Mulan for what felt like forever, but for all her playful teasing and eye-rolling, Emma couldn't be happier for her best friend.

And now, it looked like Ruby was about to throw all of that away.

Scowling into her bottle, Emma downed the last of her beer, but didn't get up for another in favour of keeping her seat on the couch. She was squashed right up next to David, but his and the other guys' attention was fully focused on the game on TV. She'd planted herself here with the knowledge that as long as she made the right noises at the right times, she could get away without having to contribute to things like the fun and conversation that she'd be stuck in if she'd stayed over the other side of the room with Elsa and Tink.

Football struggled to hold her attention at the best of times, but today it stood no chance. Her thoughts persistently trailed back to Ruby every time, and with her thoughts went her gaze, looking over to where she stood near the corner of the room, in deep conversation with Killian Jones.

It wasn't that they were talking. That part was inevitable, considering their numerous mutual friends, and Emma supposed that a friendly reconciliation was better than being awkward around each other for however long. But it was the way that they were talking together, his head lowered to hear her better, her eyes all but fricken _twinkling_ with happiness, that made Emma feel sick to her stomach.

It was a look that she was familiar with, but she didn't think that she'd see her looking at _Killian_ like that again anytime soon. It certainly wasn't enough to erase the memory of Ruby's pain and tears when he'd walked out on her without an explanation three months ago.

But hey, it wasn't her life, and it wasn't her heart. She knew that if Ruby truly still loved Killian, then there wasn't a thing that she could do to stop them getting back together if that's what they wanted to do. Ruby wasn't stupid - she wouldn't go into this with her eyes closed, or at least Emma hoped not. _I suppose I better start summoning my "I'm so happy for you" face_ , she thought glumly, fully aware that it wouldn't come naturally to her. Not this time.

She'd really been sure that Ruby had hit it off with Mulan. She knew that they were keeping things casual, but she figured that was just Ruby being hesitant to throw herself into a relationship again. If she was still hung up on Killian, Emma was sure that she would have told her. Maybe she'd been trying to hide it from herself.

 _Well it's not hidden from anyone, now._ She watched as Ruby laughed, throwing her head back, and Killian grinned at her with obvious affection. Huffing under her breath, Emma made herself look back to the TV, starting when someone pulled the empty beer bottle from her hand. She looked up to see Robin grinning at her as he slipped a full one into her hand, clapped her on the shoulder and then lowered himself to sit on the carpet by her feet, his back leaning against her leg.

Finding her first genuine smile at his effortless kindness, she clinked her beer against his in thanks and then downed a good portion of it. She had a feeling that she was going to need a few more beers to get her through this night with her sanity intact.

Regina's style had always been loud and bold, and the colours in her bathroom were no exception. Everything was organised, everything had its place, and so it was only more obvious to Emma, who had seen this bathroom countless times before, that things were different.

It was only a small change, but it still made Emma smile. A little footstool beside the sink. Two extra toothbrushes beside Regina's own - one adult sized, the other made for a smaller hand and smaller mouth. She never would have picked Regina to be the first one to have a child around, but she'd taken to little Roland as easily as he'd taken to her, and she honestly couldn't remember a time when Regina had been happier than when Robin and Roland were with her.

Turning off the tap, Emma dried her hands and gave herself a once over in the mirror. At least she didn't look as worn out as she felt. Sighing, she retrieved her drink from the vanity and opened the bathroom door to return to the party.

And found herself face to face with Killian.

There was a small smile playing around his lips, but it slipped when he realised who was standing in front of him. He stilled, and she found herself stuck in his gaze. He still wore the same cologne, and the smell of it brought back a rush of memories that were painful for how happy they were. For a moment, she understood exactly why Ruby had let him back in, why she'd looked so happy in his company earlier.

Then he smiled at her, his eyes crinkling in the corners, and she shook herself out of it. Swallowing down the feelings that she thought she was long done with, Emma dropped her eyes. "Sorry," she muttered, starting to step around him.

"Wait." She stared at his hand, which had darted out as though to grab her arm, but had stopped just inches from her skin. "Can we...?"

He nodded toward the bathroom, and Emma frowned when she realised what he wanted. Looking past him to the empty hallway, she wondered whether he'd chase after her if she walked away. It wasn't worth the scene he'd cause if he did so to find out. He'd certainly been dramatic in the past, and she didn't want to risk having this conversation in front of everyone if they could have it in private.

And it was a conversation they'd have to have sooner or later, if he and Ruby were getting back together. She'd just figured that she would have heard it from Ruby first.

Pursing her lips against the inevitability of it all, Emma walked back into the bathroom, choosing not to comment when he closed the door behind him. Walking over to the bathtub, she took a few seconds to gather herself before she turned around to face him, perching herself on the edge of the tub. She realised almost immediately how uncomfortable it was - the edge dug into her ass rather annoyingly - but she wasn't going to move now.

Killian stayed where he was by the door, watching her carefully. He looked almost as uncomfortable as she felt, and she couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his head. Had the past few months been as hard for him as they were for her? Before all of this, she would have scoffed at the idea that they could go so long without any clue of what the other was up to.

Ruby and Killian's break up hadn't just been the end of a relationship. Before the two of them had started dating, the three of them had been inseparable. For years, Ruby, Killian, and Emma had had each other's backs in everything, had spent the last few years of high school and the first few years of adult life by each other's sides. Killian had been there for her through her last terrible foster family, for the fallout of her messy relationship with Neal. He'd been a couch to crash on when she'd fallen behind on rent, or just when she'd needed some company. He'd helped her feel at peace with the decision to drop out of college and had been an endless supply of free coffee when she'd started her bail bonds job and started working stupid crazy hours.

He'd always been there for her, and when he walked out on Ruby without even an explanation, he'd walked out on her too.

All of this hit her for the first time in weeks as they stared at each other from opposite sides of the bathroom. When he and Ruby had first broken up, she'd pushed down her own feelings to be there for her friend, even though Ruby had been uncharacteristically quiet about the whole thing, and when enough time had passed for Ruby to start perking up again, she'd already forced herself into a place where she just didn't care about it anymore.

And she'd managed to actually convince herself of that up until tonight.

Minutes had passed, she was sure of it, and he still hadn't said anything. He'd all but dragged her into the bathroom in the middle of a party because he just _had_ to speak to her, and now he was just standing there, dumb. "Well?" she said, irritated.

Killian grimaced, rubbing at the back of his neck. "How have you been, Swan? It's been a while."

As far as explanations or apologies went, it was nonexistent. _Does he seriously think we can just go back to the way things were?_ "You don't have anyone to blame for that but yourself," she said, realising belatedly just how harsh she sounded.

 _Good. He deserves it._

Still, she felt a twinge of guilt, but she smothered quickly. He'd broken up with Ruby, broke her heart, and for no good reason, none that he'd bothered to share with them, anyway. If her own heart was broken in the process then it only added fuel to her fire.

Killian looked absolutely pained now, his lips parted and his eyes earnest. "Please, Emma. I just want to talk things through with you. There's things you don't understand. I've missed you so much, you and Ruby -"

"Don't you even talk about her," she snapped, pushing herself up from the edge of the tub. Striding forward, she stopped right in front of him, glaring at him. He didn't try to move away. "I don't know what you said or did to charm your way back into Ruby's heart, but you can't worm your way back into mine, and I certainly won't stand back and watch while you hurt her again."

His brows shot up. She hated how expressive his face was. "Emma, I don't know what -"

"Shut _up._ " She _hated_ how he kept saying her name. "I don't get to say this to her, so I'm going to say it to you. I have no idea how you could do this to her. You were the best guy I knew, Killian, and when you broke up with Ruby without even an explanation, you broke my heart too. You were everything to me, you bastard, and then you were just _gone._ " His face fell when her voice broke, but she pushed through it, determined to finally get her say in. "And the worst part is that I miss you too, but I can't try and forget you exist if you've managed to convince Ruby that you're worth a second chance. You're certainly not getting a second chance with me."

Her resolve wavered when his face fell, but she managed to steel herself against it before she could take back her words. She felt terrible for provoking a look of such defeat, but she only had to remind herself of how she'd felt for the last three months to know she was going to stand her ground. He moved, finally, reaching out to her. "Emma..."

Stepping out of his reach, Emma shook her head. There was only sadness and resignation in his voice when he spoken her name, his quiet voice doing its best to shatter her determination as quickly as she built it up. "Don't. Just... don't." She reached past him for the doorknob, relieved when he didn't try to stop her.

And, to be honest, a little disappointed, but she smothered that since she didn't know what the hell to do with it.

The night air was freezing on Emma's naked arms, but it wasn't bad enough yet for her to give in and go back inside. It was nice and peaceful in the relative solitude of Regina's backyard, the only light coming from the windows and the moon. At least it was, until she heard the backdoor open and close with a crash, then saw a bright light coming from the same direction. "Emma?" She watched as Ruby peered blindly into the darkness. "Please don't make me go stumbling around in the darkness for you. Marco?"

She considered calling Ruby's bluff, knowing she'd likely just head back inside to look for her there, but after a moment she sighed and called out, "Polo." Ruby pointed her phone torch in her direction and she waved her over.

"I come bearing gifts," Ruby said, holding out a beer for her, while also pointedly stepping over the empty bottles standing in a row in front of her. "If I'd known you'd already brought half the fridge with you, I wouldn't have bothered."

"Har har," she said dryly. There were only three empties there. Okay, four, as she drained the last of her current drink and lined it up by the others, before opening the one Ruby had handed her.

Ruby lowered herself onto the grass beside her, reaching back to swat at the swing seat. That had been another surprise: finding a kid's swing set in Regina's backyard. "This is new." She eyed the swing sceptically. "You didn't try to fit in that, did you?"

"For your information, I did, and I _do_ fit... barely." Emma shifted where she sat, using the small swing seat as a backrest. "I didn't think it'd hold my weight for any great deal of time, though, and I figured that Roland would have more fun on a swing that wasn't collapsed because of Auntie Emma."

"And good luck facing Regina's wrath if you did," Ruby said, grinning at her. After a few seconds, the smile faded. "I, uh... I spoke to Killian."

 _Here we go._ "I saw," Emma said flatly, picking at the edge of the label on her beer.

"No, I mean after that. After you made a pretty big deal defending my poor, fragile heart."

There was no censure in her tone at least, only something that sounded like a strange blend of gratitude and amusement, of all things. She'd meant it when she'd told herself a few hours ago that she wasn't going to try and influence Ruby's decision on the matter, especially since Ruby hadn't bothered to tell her that she still had feelings for Killian, but she supposed that it hardly mattered now, since Killian had probably told her all of her complaints by now anyway. "I just..." She hesitated, knowing that what she had to say was very likely going to come out badly, but not in the right frame of mind to be able to think of a way to cushion it. "I don't understand how you can just jump straight back into his arms after he up and left you so easily. He was completely fine until suddenly he wasn't anymore, and I don't get how you can put yourself into a situation where the same thing could happen. But if you want to get back together with him then fine, whatever, but don't expect me to be a part of it. I can't just forget everything and go back to how things used to be."

The words had come out in a rush, and when she'd finished there was nothing but silence between them. Well - silence, except for the muffled sound of music coming from inside the house. When she finally could bring herself to seek out Ruby's reaction, it was nothing like she'd expected. _Where the hell is all this amusement coming from?_ Emma scowled, hating that she didn't understand why Ruby wasn't irritated at her for sticking her nose in, if nothing else, and Ruby's grin softened into something slightly less frustrating.

"I don't think we remember 'how things used to be' in the same way. And I think you misinterpreted what was going on before. You know, when you were spying on us," Ruby said, shuffling across until her leg was pressed against Emma's and taking her hand. "I haven't spoken to Killian since we broke up, Emma, but I've missed him a hell of a lot. It was good to catch up with him again, but we're not getting back together. Not now, not ever."

She was almost embarrassed by how relieved she felt. Closing her eyes, she thought back to her conversation with Killian in the bathroom an hour ago, and tried to think of a way where she didn't come across as an idiot. There wasn't one. "You looked so happy when you were talking to him."

"Well, I was telling him about Mulan. And according to some people, I get this stupid look on my face when I talk about her, so..."

"Yeah, well."

There was more things begging to be said, but Emma wasn't quite sure how to say them, and wasn't sure if she should, in any case. She was proving to have a pretty bad track record for putting her foot in it tonight, but nothing had changed the reason why she was shitty with Killian in the first place. And they might not be getting back together, but Ruby was still apparently ready to forgive him, and Emma wasn't quite sure she was there yet.

"You know what else we were talking about?" Emma opened her eyes and met Ruby's, which were now glinting with mischief even in the dimly lit night. "You. He's missed you like crazy, you know."

Emma huffed. "Well maybe he should have thought of that before he decided to screw us over."

"Yeah. About that." Suddenly, the grass in front of them seemed very interesting, according to Ruby anyway, who plucked some from the ground and was quickly fascinated by the way it twisted between her fingers. "That might not be exactly how it happened..."

Frowning, Emma leaned away from the swing, a feeling of unease settling over her. "Ruby, what are you talking about?"

Ruby was silent for a few seconds. Finally, she threw the handful of grass over her shoulder. "We lied to you. Me and Killian, when we broke up. Well, at first I just didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything, and then you made your own assumptions and it was just easier to go along with that than -"

" _Ruby,_ " she said, interrupting the tirade coming from Ruby that didn't actually explain as much as she seemed to think it did. "Start from scratch, maybe?"

"Yeah." Ruby squeezed her hand, then let it go to smooth down her skirt. "Emma, I know that we let you believe otherwise, but Killian and I broke up amicably. I know he seemed like my world when we first got together, but you are too, and it took me a while to realise that he wasn't the great love of my life. I don't think you remember the timing too well, but I did actually meet Mulan a while before me and Killian broke up. There was always something between us, right from the beginning, but I didn't act on it because I wanted to do right by Killian. It killed me when she went away, and I realised then that maybe I wasn't as in love with Killian as I thought I was."

She remembered that Mulan had been around before Ruby and Killian had split, but hadn't realised that Ruby's feelings for her stretched back that far. Ruby had only started talking about her for the last month or two, ever since she'd returned from her extended visit home, and she'd never assumed that there was more to the story than that.

As explanations went, it didn't feel like quite enough. "What else, Ruby?" she asked quietly.

Of all things, Ruby's sudden grin wasn't what she expected. "Well, there's the fact that Killian's always been in love with _you._ "

"What?" Emma's shoulders straightened as she scoffed at the thought. "No."

"Emma, Killian's head over heels for you. I knew that, and he knew that, and when I starting having feelings for someone else... It just wasn't fair, on either of us, to keep it up. We had a lot of fun together, sure, but our hearts weren't in it. The thing is, we were at peace with the idea of going back to being just friends, glad for it in fact, but I couldn't figure out how to do that without telling you why."

She was choosing, for the minute, not to think too hard about what Ruby was saying about how Killian felt about her. "You could have just, you know, _told_ me."

Ruby shrugged. "Maybe. But I didn't know how. In hindsight it feels a bit stupid, but it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. Me and Killian got to have some space to get used to the idea of being just friends again. You didn't have to feel like you were responsible for our failed relationship."

She said that now, but she still felt responsible... and completely thrown, as well. They'd ended things because Killian was in love with her? It didn't seem real. "I didn't know," she mumbled, her awkward excuse for an apology, an explanation that didn't quite feel like enough.

Surprising her again by grinning from ear to ear, Ruby leaned across and shouldered her affectionately. "As I said, I think we remember the 'good ole days' a little differently. The three of us were inseparable, sure, but Killian and I should have been more so if we were truly meant for each other, right? You should see his face when you walk in a room, Emma. There's no hiding it. But he didn't make a move on you when we broke up, first because it would have been too awkward to broach to topic so soon, and then he found out that you resented him for breaking my poor little heart."

Which, it turned out, was a complete lie. "And whose fault is that?" she muttered, caught between resentment at Ruby for hiding all of this for her, and a big, overwhelming _what if?_ "And when you were talking to him tonight?"

"I was telling him all about how great things are with Mulan. And," she said, drawing the word out, "that I was giving him my blessing, per se, to make his move."

Killian's move. On her.

Because he had feelings for her.

She couldn't remember a time where she'd misread things so badly. Killian had never given her reason to believe that what he felt for her was more than friendship, not when he was single and certainly not when he was with Ruby. She couldn't believe that they'd lied to her about why they'd broken up, and to protect her feelings, no less. She'd been so angry with Killian for so long...

And for more reasons than just because he'd supposedly hurt Ruby. She'd been furious with him for hurting her as well, for leaving her behind as collateral damage when he up and left Ruby without an explanation. She was so used to pushing her feelings down, for a lot longer than just when he and Ruby had broken up, that she hadn't even considered the fact that she was so upset because she'd lost more than just a friend.

Her love for Killian, and the guilt that she felt about it, was something she'd thought she'd suppressed enough to not cause mention. Apparently, she hadn't hidden them as well as she'd thought.

"I never told you how I felt about him," she said quietly, more than a little afraid of Ruby's reaction. "I barely let myself think about it while you were together, and then afterwards it was just easier to be angry."

"I probably knew before either of you did."

"Ruby, I'm sorry -"

"Don't," Ruby interrupted, shaking her head with a smile. "I love you. And I love him, maybe, a little. But not in the way that he loves you, or how I think you love him, or how I feel about Mulan. If I'm wrong, if you're not interested, then I'll drop it. Probably." She grinned suddenly, and Emma rolled her eyes. "But I one hundred percent remove myself from the equation as far as loyalty or guilt or bro code goes. If you two had hooked up straight after we broke up it would have been weird, but we've had some space and we're all good now. I promise. And," she added, "if you do decide to go there, I promise not to make it awkward on purpose. Maybe."

There was nothing but earnestness (and, okay, amusement) on Ruby's face, and Emma leaned forward and pulled her into a hug. She didn't know what to say to that, how to put into words how grateful she was to have a friend as accepting as Ruby was, whatever happened from here. "I don't deserve you," she said.

She hugged her back tightly, pecked a kiss to her cheek and then squirmed out of Emma's arms. "I know," she said simply, getting to her feet and then pulling Emma up with her. "But you're stuck with me. Now can we _please_ get out of the cold?"


End file.
